In my opinion, I think everyone should travel. That sentence was redundant. Anyway.

When I look at a map of some sort, I always get this weird feeling. Its complicated to explain, and probably unhealthy, but it is like lust, or coveting or something. The intense desire to travel. I understand other people are not as intense as I am, but seeing exotic places on a map, and thinking about actually going there? That doesn't make your back tingle?

I have been to more countries than states (here I go being arrogant) and there is something so... indescribable about being someplace so far away. I shy away from saying someplace so "different" because there are a lot of differences, sure. But there is also something so familiar about far-away places. Let me put it this way.

When you step off of a plane for the first time in a new country, someplace so drastically "different" and far away from your hometown, you've got it in your head that everything is going to look and feel different. That when you get out, the air will be changed somehow, that the very feel of the place would tell you that you were someplace else. Well, for anyone who hasn't really traveled, that doesn't happen. Or at least, it didn't to me. I got off the plane, and my first instinct was a vague impression of sameness. The air is the same, give or take 20 degrees. The sky and the sun and the grass (or lack thereof, and in that case, dirt) everything is the same. All in all, if you hype yourself up too much, it can be kinda disappointing. But that's just airports, you know. Not to say that once you leave the airport, you step onto an alien planet or anything, but the farther you get away, the more the sameness starts to tweak, just slightly. The trees and the animals and everything is still normal... but you start to see little nuances in say, the architecture. The abundance of cemeteries. The way the highway has been painted, is different. Conveys the same message... but it's different. License plates, road signs (in different languages. UIT instead of EXIT) it is more like an alternate reality than an alien planet. Things are the same, but they're off. And, of course, things are off enough that they're wondrous. Here's where we come to the "You Should Travel" part. (Because so far I think I have done a good enough job of being convincing that nothing is really different enough to be worth traveling to).

I still marvel at the Space Needle. I walk down 3rd Street, and I trip because I keep looking up at the buildings instead of where I am going. Point is, things never get old for me. I am in Holland for the third time, same little Centrum of Bergen Op Zoom. Now, first trip to Holland, we spent a quantity of time going elsewhere (Italy, France, England, etc) and the second trip, I spent most the time going nowhere (dad was working.) We did go to Valkenburg and Koln. Buuut not really anywhere else. So now this time, we are doing a lot of the local Dutch attractions. We went to the Delta Works yesterday, went inside the storm barrier (made to protect The Netherlands from really high tides. Because its below sea-level, doncha know). That was pretty cool. Anyway. Getting to the point. (What was the point? Oh yeah, TRAVEL)

There is so much world out there. There are endless things to see. One person could never take in it all. What I can't understand is that people wouldn't want to at least try. I have had some incredible experiences in foreign places that I would never have had the chance to experience otherwise. Life-changing things, mind you. And it is certainly humbling, you know. There are a lot of people in the world, and there's no reason that any one person ought to be more or less important. I am not saying this well. Essentially, I think every person ought to have the experience of seeing both how similar people from foreign countries are to themselves (America is NOT superior) and also to have the opportunity to learn about and experience firsthand a completely different culture.

Shoot. I meant to articulate this all better than I have been. Hasn't worked out well. So I am going to quit trying. It all boils down to this: Travel. Try new things. Be spontaneous. There are things to do and see that you can't even imagine. I love the concept of throwing a dart at a map, and getting on the next plane to that location. The thrill and spontaneity of it all is exciting. Allow yourself to be excited. :) Mostly, just let things inspire you.

Its my passionate nature. I can't help it. And I want everyone to experience this... amazement. I am in awe at the world. Every day. And if you don't travel, at least take the time to look around you. Even if it is the same route you always walk, this time look at everything around you. Appreciate it. Let it inspire you. The world is amazing.

So last I checked, Geoff and Stacy were the only people who still really follow xanga at all. Nevertheless, somehow a public diary helps keep me firmly grounded in reality. I don't expect that to make any sense to anyone other than myself. However.

I feel like I am going to start this out by 2 things; (things that I have always thought about making actual lists of, but never have sat down with enough brain power to pound out the whole list).

"Pet Peeve of the Day" & "Way to Make your Day Better... of the day"

So we commence.

Pet Peeve of the Day: tiny shorts/skirts. Need I say more? And the younger the girl, the worse. -shudder-
Make Your Day Better: Laugh. Take something that makes you smile, and instead of just smiling, let it get to you. Let yourself laugh. Laugh so hard you cry. Throw your head back and let loose. Laughing is good for your mind and body. So just enjoy the moment, and don't hold back.

I haven't been eating much lately. Not because I am less hungry (or for heaven's sake, anorexic) I just.. forget. I have been overworking myself, it's true. And I really like the idea of having money. I was close, very close, to spending more money this evening, on food. But I won out over myself, and I waited til I got home and munched some leftovers. This is the first I have eaten all day. Yesterday I had dinner with the family, but Saturday I didn't eat at all. For those of you who may not understand me... I love food. Like, my deadly sin is gluttony, by far. Lust, envy, pride, greed, wrath, sloth--of course I have fallen victim to each of those in turn... but if I had to choose a sin to die by, it would be gluttony. So, therefore, the fact that I have completely not even noticed the lack of calorie intake... well, that's saying something. I have been busy. I have been stressed. I have been overwhelmed by other things... both work related and personal. And it has been a while since I considered doing anything for myself. Mostly because the things that I really want to do would be with people who are too far away. I miss my father, and I miss my boyfriend. Two of the most predominant male figures in my life, and right now they're very notably absent. Does this affect me? Well, I will answer that with another question. Would I just have referenced them if they didn't?

I don't even think I thought of this before I just typed it, just now. But the lack of my father in my life has been affecting me for years, and yes. It has taken its toll. I had my bought of clingy, desperate, and needy. And now, I am simply overworking myself in an effort to fill the voids that my life has brought me. Unfortunately, I cannot work constantly. I do, eventually, get off. And when I stop being busy is when my brain gets to thinking again. I don't want my life to turn out badly. I will not be divorced. I would rather never marry than get a divorce. I am scared of having children, heck. I am scared of graduating college. I am scared of really starting to do things with my life, because ultimately, I am scared of failure. That's what it all comes down to... My biggest fear is that the endeavors that are most important to my life (marriage, family, career) I will mess up. Because I am so adept at messing things up. I see my father's life, and I do NOT want that. And I don't know how to avoid it. And it scares me.

So. I stop eating. The anxiety of life is catching up to me. The voids in my life cannot be filled--not by work, not by food, and not by friends. I have tried. And I have failed.

My God, am I still typing? So much for having a focus. Perhaps, in the end, I am the same as all the drama-filled tweens of the world, struggling to find out what is important to me. Though, for me it resides more in my future and my life.. whereas the kids just wanna know whether the jeans are complimentary to their ass. ... though, in the end, I suppose my dilemma is comparable: if I take this job, will it help me or just cause me more strife?

I have a hard time saying no. People ask me if I want to pet sit for them. I say yes. Even though the house is in Gig Harbor. Had I not pressed the matter, I would have lost money by doing the job. Needless to say, I will not be trying to take a similar sort of job. I am employed by three seperate companies, all of which rather expect to be top-priority, whereas my top priority is... um... well. I guess I have no priorities. But perhaps that should be saved for a different blog.

What is the purpose of this blog? There isn't one. The focus, however, I suppose I would sum-up by saying: I work too hard. And I am not taking care of myself in any facit. Arrogant, ha. If anything, I am too self-depreciating.